New Lyrics: "Felon47, Day 54, (American People: 0)" (Patreon)

The title may change. To the tune of "The Man Who Never Returned".

Let me tell you the story of a man named Jeffrey

Who wrote for the Atlantic magazine,

Found himself in a call that was commercially encrypted

With the White House situation team.

Tell me, what did he learn?

Oh, the things that he learned,

And Mike Waltz and friends got burned (poor Pete Hegseth)

And the Trump administration will deny forever

That they're even slightly concerned.

They were talking about their plans to drop some bombs in Yemen,

On the Houthi rebels there (not the Blowfish)

And there's nobody knows why Jeffrey was included,

Or why they were all unaware.

There was Stephen Miller, Steve Bessent, Steve Witkoff,

J. D. Vance, Marco Rubio too,

And a half-dozen others in Trump’s inner circle,

And not one of ‘em had a clue.

So, was anything learned?

Oh, the things that they learned,

And they’ve sealed their own fate (done and dusted)

They’ll be known forever in the Halls of Congress

As the Gang That Couldn't Spy Straight.

Jeffrey listened aghast as this unsecured chat

Covered targets and casualties and force,

Minimizing damage to Saudi oil families

And blaming Joe Biden, of course.

He didn't speak up, he didn't bow out,

He took notes, then discreetly withdrew,

And on the Ides of March, we bombed the Houthis

And Jeffrey knew the whole thing was true.

Tell me, what did he learn?

Oh, the things that he learned,

And he left no stone unturned (kept on digging)

He waited a week before he published,

While the story, and his stomach, churned.

Now, the rotten cherry on this septic sundae

Is what Trump said about this plan:

“I don't know anything, but that magazine is going out of

Business, I’m not a big fan.”

Well, the very next day, they got hauled to Congress,

People wanted to find out what they knew.

Tulsi Gabbard was asked if she was in the meeting,

And she said “That's under review.”

Tell me, what did they learn?

Oh, there's nothing they're learned,

Our contempt, they all have earned (god, what losers)

But they think they’re clever, so they’ll lie forever

Till Trump’s election is overturned.

And Let's get Ratcliffe off the C.I.A.!